I assumed I might be able to avoid killing people. I figured that I would beat up a few, arrest a few, and talk down a few. I don't really have any qualms about killling monsters and beasts, but since I got to Lakewatch, we have been killing so many people.
A great many of them are the worst kinds of people. Monsters with people's faces. Still, so many are dead by my hand. Some of them could have been merely smugglers and hashheads, right? Do they deserve to die in some cavern underground due to misdemeanors? We even killed a helpless prisoner due to the fack that we didn't know what to do with him. This conspiracy is so large and intricate that I am having trouble keeping track of who just wants to make a buck with shade and who wants to plunge the world into nightmares and eternal darkness.
Earlier, I mentioned I am probably going to die. Nothing has prepared me for these battles that we are having. When I was training with the other guardsmen, I could take a few pokes from practice swords as long as I was able to overpower the other recruits and guards. I hit hard and I hit often. I am still doing that, but I am getting hit hard in return and there are more of them than there are of us. I keep falling in combat. It is not only humiliating, but one time I am not going to be able to get back up. I joke about being the leader and sometimes it seems the others buy it, but what kind of leader gets constantly knocked on their ass? Mara so much more capable.
All this fighting does seem to be making me quicker and more able to avoid more blows, but there is a part of me, a crazed wild part, that seems to take over sometimes. It cares less about getting hurt than killing. It is angry, powerful, and stupid and is going to get me(and possibly the rest of the group) killed.